I had a therapy appointment this morning. It was my second ever therapy appointment and honestly so far I don’t get the point of this. I am so tired of constantly simplifying and being misunderstood. I feel like everything needs to be short or it won’t make sense. I guess that I just have a hard time taking messy, complicated stories and trying to articulate them in a way that makes sense, that doesn’t have tons of footnotes and references back ‘(❀⃙⃕⃠⃝⃘⃚౪❀⃙⃕⃠⃝⃘⃚ )’.
Perhaps that is one of the reasons that I don’t like writing memoirs or whatever for class (I realize that I write this on a blog post about my life, but I feel like this is different since each post is about a singular day, so things don’t get so messy). Fiction is easier for me to write because I can structure it however I want, and make it make sense in my brain very easily. It’s also usually a lot more chronological than real life. Idk if that makes sense. I’m sorry (╥﹏╥).
But anyways I don’t want to be trying to explain something for ages, so then I simplify it, and the left-out information often creates misunderstandings, and idk it is tiring. Maybe therapy works better if you’re better at speaking to people. I feel like it has so far just been a series of mostly incorrect assumptions. Maybe I need an autistic therapist who doesn’t ask such broad questions, because I don’t know what to do with those (_ _). Also we spent the whole time talking about this random school stuff and I actually wanted to talk about my depression but I felt awkward just interjecting with that so I did not mention it (•﹏•).
I haven’t really talked about it on the blog because I want this place to be, for the most part, fun. But lately I have been shifting in and out of being suicidal. Right now I am fine. But it was particularly bad right before the Duluth trip. It was better when I was by Lake Superior, and then it showed up again when I got back home (◞‸◟；). Now I am fine again. But I guess that it’s good that we didn’t talk about the depression because it is not like I could actually tell her anything. If I told her that I am suicidal, then she would have to tell my parents, and I don’t want to be locked in a windowless prison and have my whole future taken away from me (._.). It’s exhausting to have to lie so much to the people who are supposed to be helpful- therapists, hotlines, etc…
Idk I know that I probably just need to give it time and become more comfortable talking to her. It’s just lowkey making me anxious is all, which is kinda ironic considering that it’s supposed to help with that (e⌒e).
After my appointment was over, my mom drove me to the college. I was about an hour early, so I went to the library and finished my German homework there. At 10:30 AM I went to History, and today we did a roleplay. The professor divided us into three groups: Confucians, Legalists, and Daoists. I was a Daoist. He played the role of emperor. He gave us a list of problems that his empire was facing: drought and famine, bandits on the roads, barbarians attacking the borders, and tax-evading farmers. Then we were supposed to propose solutions to each problem by applying our philosophy to them. Whoever’s solutions were most in line with their philosophy won, and the losers got exiled. The Legalists won the game, though the professor said that that was the easiest philosophy to do this with. I guess that I am exiled from the college campus now. It’s very sad.
But anyways, History was really fun!! (˶◜ᵕ◝˶) After the roleplay was over we did a bit of review for the test. Then I went to German, where we read May Ayim’s “grenzenlos und unverschämt”. It’s a good poem. I’m happy that we’re finally doing some reading in this class. We mostly just did lots of grammar at the start and I was scared that we weren’t going to get to any real material. I mean ofc grammar is important, but it’s not much good on its own.
My dad picked me up and we went to lunch. Then I went back to the high school and to my English class. We took a test on the Anglo-Saxons and Beowulf, and that’s it ɿ(◉◞◉)ɼ.
On the way home we went to the record store, and there my mom found the Michael Jackson: The Ultimate Collection box set for me!! ₍₍⚞(˶>ᗜ<˶)⚟⁾⁾ I’ve been looking for HIStory for ages, mostly so I could have “Stranger in Moscow” and one of the CDs has the song on it, so I am very happy that I have it now!! (๑>ᴗ<๑)♡ The box also has this cool little booklet in it. So far I have only skimmed it, but it looks really interesting and it has a little flipbook of MJ dancing in the corner, which is frankly adorable ( ∩´͈ ᐜ `͈∩).
I didn’t do much after I got home. I basically just hid in my room and listened to lots of music and started outlining some potential short story ideas ＿〆(。。). I have to re-do the laundry that I did yesterday since my dad decided that he needed to do his laundry at like 6:00 AM and moved all of my nice, newly clean laundry out of the dryer and onto the floor because he’s an asshole :/.
It is already 10:30 PM/22:30, so I will probably watch a movie, or part of one at least, since I am going to be up late anyways doing laundry. I swear I have like no concept of time (ᵕ—ᴗ—). I’m going to listen to “Stranger in Moscow” right before I go to bed. It is my favorite of MJ’s songs and I saved it for then. Goodnight peoples ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂)⸝♡.
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